How Some Men Harass Women Online and What Other Men Can Do to Stop It

“…most men have remained silent, as we do with many forms of our gender’s violence against women. Many of us blame the victim, suggesting things women can do differently to ameliorate the problem. We tell women to grow a thicker skin, not to “feed the trolls” and not to assume all men feel that way. Or we ride in on a white horse to “save” the poor damsels by insulting the insulters or threatening violence against those who are threatening violence. This makes us feel better, but often does little to help the women being attacked or stop the violence from happening.

The author gives ten suggestions for men on how to (more effectively) stick up for women online:

1. Listen to women’s experience of online abuse and threats by men. Let us read articles about it – the ones linked here are a good place to start. Instead of suggesting solutions, we can take in how hurtful the comments are.

2. Reach out to the target of the abuse. Ask her what she’d like you to do, if anything.

3. Write, “I think you’re right,” in Comments sections of articles, Facebook postings etc. of feminist women.  Whether or not they’ve been harassed or attacked, agree with them and do so publicly.

4. When men harass women online, speak up. We can say something like, “As a man, your harassing comment offends me,” in the Comments sections.  Say how it hurts you rather than speaking on behalf of the target.

5. Name the specific silencing tactic being used: name-calling, focusing on a woman’s appearance instead of her argument, etc.

6. Use humor. We can post something like, “Dude, put down your club–your caveman is showing!” Search online for feminist comedians of all genders who have done entire routines on this.

7. Watch for “professional trolls” from the “Men’s Rights” or “Father’s Rights” groups. They will often use terms such as “misandry” and refer to the feminist movement as anti-male or the domestic violence movement as an “industry.”

8. Send supportive emails, letters, candygrams, etc. to feminist women. Thank them for the good work they are doing–not just when they are targets of online harassment, but all the time. “If you see someone doing good work, you can be sure they’re being told they’re fat and ugly,” says Emily May. “Nice emails counterbalance the noise.”

9. Flag Facebook posts (or pages) when they’re abusive. If it’s a comment, click on the X to hide the post.  You then have the option to flag it as abusive.

10.  If the perpetrator isn’t an individual but a company, boycott the company. Write negative reviews of it on “Yelp” or other review sites, or  suggest policy or legislative changes.  (See the Ecological Model for Social Change for the philosophy behind this. )

Q:I saw the person's ask about the term 'feminist' being reserved only for women. I feel this can be a sticky situation. I can definitely see the where this idea is coming from, but I hesitate to shut people out of a movement because they aren't women/gay/people of color. As you said, we need as many people as we can to make these movements happen. If we shut people out, they're not going to want to help if they feel unwelcome. I'm rambling, but just know that people like you are very appreciated.

135roses

This is very encouraging, thank you. Indeed, though I’m not sure if it’s that people won’t help, it’s that they will be removed and disconnected from the language and ideas that are going to be useful to making some kind of progress. For example, it took feminists a while to realize that it wasn’t so simple to appeal to “woman-ness”, some kind of woman nature that everyone could share in — there turned out to be no such thing, being a woman means very different things to different people. So, thinking of gender as a performance, questioning socially-taught assumptions about roles and standards — these things broaden understanding and compassion and insight into the problem. To push people out of the discussion doesn’t make sense to me, because it fails to correct misunderstandings, and because it fails to spread the memes you need to help propel the movement. Maybe it’s frustrating sometimes to include us (I’m looking at you, parts of the Men’s Rights Movement), but that’s just sort of the messiness of politics and progress, isn’t it?

Q:As a woman, I want to know what you have to say about the idea that men can not be feminists because they can not remove themselves from the power and the privilege that they hold, over women. I actually agree with this and think the label 'feminist' should be reserved for women. I also think it is their right to insist this, as men dominate every aspect of society as it is. Thoughts?

mohavemamba-deactivated20130208

I suppose I’d mainly consider myself a “pro-feminist” if I really had to fight for a label. Women are entitled to have their own spaces, and I limit my own participation to my discourse with others, and this wee blog. I have held back from further involvement in part because of concerns like the ones you mention. 

On the other hand, I don’t think the ends feminists are after have to be won by the effort of women alone. The civil rights movement was also won with the support of otherly-colored people, because eventually enough people became conscious of systemic injustice (though I’d argue not enough people so far). The gay marriage movement will be won as more persons simply step up to acknowledge that we need to peel away more layers of dusty old norms and stop moralizing and meddling in harmless personal activity.

It seems to me like the goals and the challenges within the feminist movement are similar: to acknowledge and deal with gendered double standards and structural prejudice, in part, and to change the language and disarm the social constructions that people take so seriously.

The name is a suggestion and a way of playing with the idea to bring up that kind of question. In the end it doesn’t matter whether I get to call myself a feminist or not — I’ve just liked to use it in the broad sense that proclaims, “I think I understand, I’m going to work on this, tell more more, and let me bring it up with other people.” I’ve been thinking of changing the blog name to “Gender Troublemaking”.

How men can support feminism & a summary of male privilege

I recently found Critical Masculinities, an articulate, though unfortunately dwindling, blog that examines what’s going on with masculinity in light of a huge body of social research on gender. I liked this older piece about how men can support feminism, especially his concise rundown of male privilege:

As a male, it’s important to understand and realise that you have certain advantages and privileges purely on the basis of your biological sex. Individual men are privileged because, overwhelmingly in the world and throughout history, men as a group have been privileged; more money, less domestic work, more rights, getting to keep their name in marriage, etc. Privilege is tricky, because so often the advantages and preferential treatment can seem small; for example, you get a promotion at work. Sure this is because of your hard work and general talent, but chances are that some part of the reason is that because you’re a guy you are seen as ‘more reliable’ or a ‘harder worker’ or a ‘ leader.’ I should point out that privilege is by no means a single, solid overarching thing. Not all men have the same privileges; older, more well off, heterosexual men (for example), usually have more opportunities and advantages than say, men of colour, homosexual men, lower socio-economic men, transmen etc. Gender is only one aspect among many in determining privilege. Part of the problem with male privilege and countering it is that it is often so intangible and difficult to clearly demonstrate its operation. It’s based in hundreds and hundreds of years of culture and thought, and that is tough to change. And this systemic privilege isn’t just changed in activism for institutional change, like women getting the vote, or being able to work, or have access to healthcare, (which are really important struggles by the way) but by changing attitudes and beliefs on an individual and cultural level. So you, as an individual male, can help the struggle for gender equality by recognising that, in some ways, you have certain advantages because of your sex. In recognising this, you can take some actions, big or small, to highlight this privilege, and make inequality based on sex or gender more visible.

How to push more men towards becoming emotionally articulate, not emotionally dependent

“While men’s neediness is a renowned slayer of lady-boners, part of the problem is that more than a few men aren’t clear on the distinction between being emotionally articulate and being emotionally dependent… 

There’s nothing inherently unreasonably about women’s desire for verbally competent, ambitious, psychologically present partners. It’s not contradictory to want relationships with men who are emotionally fluent but not so needy that they turn their wives and girlfriends into surrogate mommies. In this current “man crisis” frenzy, the real problem is the relentless message that women need to dampen their expectations for what men can bring to the table. The solution lies in doing the opposite: challenging guys not to “man up” but to “step up.” The evidence suggests that sisters – or friends who are as close as sisters -– are best positioned to make that challenge.” - READ THE FULL ARTICLE by Hugo Schwyzer at JEZEBEL, “There’s Nothing Unreasonable About Wanting to Be His Lover, Not His Mother”